Saturday, December 1, 2012

Movie Review: Jab Tak Hai Jaan

When you make a movie that audiences would've appreciated only about 10 years back, which is about an unrealistic,dialogues-and-poetry-filled romance saga, that's when you get Jab Tak Hai Jaan.

With all due respect to the late Yash Chopra, who I believe every Indian girl, if not every-Indian, is a huge fan of, this movie had way too many flaws to begin with. I don't know where & how to begin, so I will just list down all the flaws as and when what comes to my mind.

The Flaws -:

1. The lack of chemistry between Shahrukh Khan & Katrina Kaif would murder you. A more gruesome murder than you would've seen in any of the Saw series of movies. No really, they were trying way too hard. Especially that one scene where they're supposed to kiss. That kiss makes me want to never kiss again ever. EVER. makes me feel nauseous as I think about it again now.

2. NO-WAY, and I mean NO-WAY-IN-FREAKIN-HELL does SRK pass out to be a 25-year-old "poor" guy nor does Katrina pass out to be a 21-year-old in the flashback. Why would Yash Chopra make SRK the "poor" guy in a movie? WhyWhyWhy??? SRK can never pass out to be that bloke who does double shifts and yet owns a freakin' guitar with a designer guitar strap & 2nd -Hand Royal Enfield. Dude, 2nd-Hand or first, it's ROYAL ENFIELD! No kiddin' around that man. That's just way too insulting.

3. Neither Rabbi Shergill's nor Mohit Chauhan's voice is suiting SRK. Not even an ounce bit. Again, no offences to AR Rahman but whattheck was he thinking selecting such young voices for a face like SRK's? Please tell me he got hit by a truck or something as that seems to be the recurring theme of this movie anyways. So he probably got Amnesia or some other illness that failed him from making a wise choice of suitable singers for SRK. Please tell me that and reassure my faith in humanity.

4. The lyrics. Oh God. I don't know where to begin. It's as if "Ishq Wala Love" wasn't bad enough that I had to witness a song such as Saans. Ishq Wala Love was written by some wannabe never-heard-before-lyricist whose name-I-can't-remember cos it isn't important. BUT, the lyricist here in concern is Gulzaar! You really don't expect the legend who wrote songs such as "Mera Kuch Samaan" ,"Yaara Silli Silli","Ae Ajnabi","Beedi" and in the most recent times, "Dil Toh Baccha Hai Ji" to write a song such as Saans! I'm guessing the age's finally acting up on him. Either that, or he had a writer's block. I've huge respect for him but apart from Challa, Heer & the title poem, the lyrics were just plain sad.

5. Anushka Sharma's hotness kills itself as soon as she opens her mouth. Her overacting & same bubbly role that's she been doing since Band Baja Baraat makes you want to step into the movie and strangle her squeaky tiny throat. Given her size negative-one-double-zero figure, I'm pretty sure she'd experience a death quicker than quickrrrrrr. Or 2-minutes maggi.

6. Never in my life have I witnessed a more dumb basis of argument than this movie is based on. I really don't know what's worse in this movie.. Katrina Kaif..or the character Katrina Kaif played in it. If I was SRK and I heard that crappy logic, I would take out a gun and shoot that female dog in the face & then shoot myself for ever falling in love with such a dumbass.

7. How Anushka Sharma stayed in London for soooo long despite she mentioning she'll have visa problem or some uncleared shit like that in the movie ten times beats me. How she say she's serious about documenting SRK's army life and yet be listening to her iPod at a bomb site beats me. How she can wear tinier clothes than beggar-out-in-the-hottest-of-climates in Kashmir beats me. How she can be a freakin' national swimmer and what not and yet be drowning in the ocean beats me. How How How...I've a list so long that I'll lose my memory by the time I finish typing out all of them.

8. The coincidental bomb-in-the-train scene is so so so hilariously stupid that it makes me want to cry. What makes it funnier is when SRK looks at a bag that's got the bomb and suddenly he's able to spit out bomb-language-words. and suddenly everything comes flashing back to him. Because you know, it's just that easy and he has x-ray vision of course.

9. Can someone explain to me how the HECK does Katrina looks the same after 10 years? Like NO wrinkles and NO,not even a milligram of extra fats, and NO change of dressing style and NO,not even a single strand of gray hair. Please tell me the secret of her effervescent beauty. Please tell me. Please give me the name of her make up & hair stylist.

There was an era of Veer Zaara, where I believed in romantic sagas and was mesmerised & smitten by that sort of love till a decade back. However, I do not believe that sort of magic does wonders for me now. Moreover, I would've still attempted to appreciate the movie had there been chemistry between SRK & the leading lady KK. You can try as hard as you want but you can't get chemistry out of a man in his late 40s and a lady in her late 20s. It ain't just happening in this case at the very least.

Having said all of this, SRK looks amazingly hot & sexy in his Army avatar(not that it makes sense for him to have such sexy hair and looks when the rest have SOP to follow for grooming but I'm gonna screw logic for just this once). I wish that never ended. I've never seen him looking this good in his recent movies. Last he looked good was probably Chak De..where he donned a similar look.

Old-but-no-Gold screenplay, mediocre if not cliched dialogues, wee-bit disappointing music, great cinematography, Old-but-no-Gold direction.
My ratings: 2/5 stars.
1 star for the legendary King of Romance - Yash Chopra. 1 star for title poem. I really love it. No one better than SRK could've read it.

The film is gonna hit a lot of lovestruck and fairy-tale believer hearts. Those who still live in a decade's back era & have unshakeable biasses and love for Yash Chopra, have probably already watched this movie 5 times on the silver screen. They're probably cursing me and vodoo dolling me as they read this review right now. But it's okay. I'm pretty thick-skinned and plus I could do with some acupuncture so thanks really.

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