Sunday, June 29, 2014

Movie Review: Ek Villain (2014)

Prelogue
Why anyone in their right-pea-sized-mind would ever expect a normal movie coming out of the Bhatt Camp is beyond me. Mohit Suri, one of the 1023456 adopted children of Mahesh Bhatt, clearly lives his life in spasms where he gets some hits such as Woh Lamhe, Kalyug, Murder 2 & my all-time-favourite Awara Pagal Deewana(aka. Mohit-Suri-Part-1-The-Only-Time-He-Gets-To-Be-A-Part-Of-Part-1) and then somealotmoremisses such as Aashiqui 2, Aashiqui 2, Aashiqui 2(thrice because my brain's having seizures too), Zeher, Raaz-god-knows-what-sherlock-Mystery-Continues and the best of the lot: Crook(this should be nominated for Oscars in Australia, Nicole Kidman & Hugh Jackman would be moved to tears till they had their own Ganges River).

With this in mind, I had very high expectations from this movie. Like it was char-botal-vodka-mixed-with-I-am-a-roadside-himesh-reshammiya-pankha high. Same way I admire Kamaal R Khan & his devoteddeshdrohi-twitter-fan-following.

*****
Ek Villain, is one of those movies where they throw you with a verbal diarrhea of key words such as "ek" and "villain" in every millisecond of the movie. It was like Mohit Suri made this movie for an alzheimer's-stricken audience & just wanted to make sure nobody forgets what the title of the movie is and who is the "ek villain". WARNING: Parents, do NOT bring your kids to this movie. They will fail in whatever little bit mathematical and logic skills they have being confused with so many actors being the "ek villain" in the movie.

The best part about the movie is the music. The worst part about the movie is that somebody came alone, sitting at seat number B17, to watch this movie. Kidding, there is no worst part. There *are too many that I will just list them down without any spoilers(cos that's just not possible,there are none.haha.no seriously, there are none.) When they said it's a "romantic-thriller" on wiki, they lied. That was the suspense of the movie. Rather, the trick to get you to watch the movie. It's not even Halloween and Mohit Suri is playing Trick-or-Treat with us. So LS yaar. #delhiiteslang #jfgi

Ek Villain -
There's one in every story 
There are too-many-in-this-story-that-is-more-confusing-than-why-archana-puran-singh-is-always-laughing

1. Aside from a verbal diarrhea, the movie also features a light-eyes-orgasm where from the proantagonist(s) to the item number gujju-ben-turned-hotness prachi desai. Sowree-suri-missouri but I don't think your alzheimer's audience needed to know your brown eyes fetish. Actually I think I don't think anyone ever needed to know. Please keep them for your dates with Kamal R Khan. Also, you should listen to @asliyoyo's songs more properly. It is blue eyes hypnotize and brown rang. Duffer kahin ka.

2. Shraddha Kapoor looked amazingly hot with a flawless skin & energy of 10 combined Duracell bunnies, which is exactly how a cancer patient(her character in the movie and no, this is not a spoiler) looks, acts & feels like in real life. Also, her witty sense of humour will make All-India-Bakchod to come up with a viral video soon. That, or they're planning to give up their careers and take tuitions from her, especially how she maintains her nauseating squeaky tone pitch throughout the movie.

3. Siddharth Malhotra was ekdum tota in the movie. But we already know that. Why am I even bringing up this point? Also, I don't think this is a flaw. I think I forgot the flaw I wanted to point out in him. Probably because I didn't give a poop about his acting. He did the best he could, he survived. Miraculously, so did I.

4. Riteish Deshmukh. He is the batman-superman-I-dont-know-what-man of this movie. He's the screwdriverman..or the raincoatman. Shit I can't decide, this is depressing. He does successfully manage to give you the creeps in the movie. Watch out for that every time he changes into his cloak right in front of you and miraculously attains some divine powers, also known as the screwdriver. It'll move you to tears like how Rahul Gandhi's touching speech about his grandma-pappa-everyone-dying in an interview with Arnab Goswami did.

5. The story has been commercialised to an Aashiqui 2 extent which is what it was meant to do because well DUH, it's a BHATT CAMP MOVIE. Also, because the writer is Tushar Hiranandani, the Sindhi who has contributed movies like Grand Masti, Kyun Ho Gaya Na, ABCD, Housefull 2, F.A.L.T.U. and Main Tera Hero to Indian Cinema. The only one he wrote when he wasn't on LSD is Atithi Tum Kab Jaoge.

So the story of this movie went something like this:

At a bhel puri wala:
You: Bhaiyya ek bhel puri dena
Bhel puri wala: Ji didi, ismein main kheera tamatar, bhujia, chutney,chana,masala,bhagwaan,kola veri di, sab daalega. aapko pata hai har bhel puri mein yeh main padta hai aur iska secret ingredient hai mera paseena, kisiko na batana oh meri haseena kyunki o mere dil ke chain, chain aaye nahin dil ki dua ki jiye. kyunki yaari bina chain kahan re, woh toh bappi da ke galey mein rahe. woh bhi meri bhel puri kha ke itne khush ho gaye ki fooley na samaaye..literally didi..LOL.
You: ...
Bhel puri wala: :D :D :D 
You: ...
Bhel puri wala: :D :D :D *cue item song & dances*
You: ...
Bhel puri wala: :D :D :D 
You: I just want my bhel puri. :/ 
        I'm hungry. :/ 
       Please. :/ _/\_  
       Let me go. :/

6. Kamaal R Khan. He's the best actor in the movie, being true to all the things he stands for in life aka. "hot baby". Watch out for his amazing range of sunglasses, laughter & seeti-maar dialogues. Matlab stud hai yaar yeh, isne prove kar diya. #TeamKRK #socool #toocool #comedianoftheyear #letsstopthis.

This pretty much sums up the movie. I will confess I am addicted to their music, specifically Banjaara, Galliyaan & Awari. So if there's anyone who shouldn't be crying this movie happened is Ankit Tiwari, Mithoon & Soch The Band. You peeps are perhaps the only reason why some people went to watch this movie.

My rating: 2/5 stars. One for music and one for the hotness Shraddha-Sidharth have looked KRK.

*****

Epilogue
Post-movie, background music during end credits: Teri galliyaan, galliyaan  galliyaan

Friend 1: Teri gaa-liyan, gaa-liyaan, teri gaa-liyaan. Mujhko bhaave, gaa-liyaan teri gaa-liyaan
:D :D :D

Me joining in: Teri daliyaa, daliyaa, teri daliyaa. Mujhko bhaave, daliyaa teri daliyaa.
:D :D :D


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