Thursday, April 24, 2014

5 Bakwas Bollywood Movies You Should NOT Watch in 2014

Some movie trailers entice you/seduce you to be absorbed into a cinematic experience. Not all of them turn out to be amazeballs, but well at least the Director & production team was smart enough to trick you into believing that.

And then there are some movie trailers that almost gave you cancer,HIV,tuberculosis,heart attack,head attack and let me just die right about now already. 

This is especially so in Bollywood, where every buffoon thinks he's gonna be the next Anurag Kashyap and ends up being more like Ram Gopal Verma, or better still - Subhash Ghai. As much as we all loved Ghai's movies a decade back, he is clearly still living in that decade given the kind of movies he produces now. 

You've got to be an absolute Ganvaar if you even considered watching these movies. Either that, or you're that teenage couple going to movies taking up the last row,corner couple seats. In that case, very wise decision, this are the movies you could plan out your makeoutmovie dates for.

So save yourself from dying & give these movies a miss.  

1) Purani Jeans

Issey wahiyaat trailer maine nahin dekha hoga. Matlab ultimate sardard. Kya hai yeh? Kyun hai yeh? Yeh sab sunne dekhne se pehle marr kyun nahin gayi mein?! Guys saying dialogues like "always keep the secrets,never spill the beans" and "best friends forever" in the midst of a jungle just made me lose faith in there being any single,straight men out there anymore. I'm now depressed. Cause of my death would be the dialogue-writer of this movie.

2) Heropanti

I was really curious to find out how Jaggu Dada's son would look like/turn out to be cos you know, usually senior actors ke bacchey turn out to be such hotbods. E.g. Varun Dhawan. Galti se bhi kisi ne nahin socha hoga ki Humpty Dumpty David Dhawan ka beta itna hot niklega.  If you still need more convincing, look at Sonam Kapoor, Arjun Kapoor, Alia Bhatt.

And then enters Tiger Shroff. Ek toh iska naam hee kutton wala hai. Matlab theekh hai,baccha badsurat hai tumhaara par aise doggie waley naam de kar bichaare ko aur pareshaan mat karo. As it is he has to deal with his face every day in the mirror. Don't add more misery to his life. But clearly Jackie Shroff has a different opinion or a set of eyes. and brains. But seriously? Whattheheck happened there? Was/Is Jackie Shroff married to a chinks that we don't know of? :O

Heropanti mein not only does Tiger Shrofff's looks disappoint, it's the moment he opens his mouth that tortures you on a different magnitude altogether. Ek toh itne ghatiya dialogues, uske upar se uska chehra, uske upar se uski dialogue delivery. Matlab endless faults. Only thing that looks good in the movie is action and cinematography. Which are going to be pointless because you rather just watch Dabangg or Rowdy Rathore again.

Look out for the dialogue "kya karoon, sabko ko aati nahin, meri jaati nahin". Itna bhaari dialogue iss chusey se karwa rahe ho. kyunkyunkyunkyunkyun*seela-from-mehta-kuch-nahin-kehta-style*(see this to know reference)

3) The Xpose

Iss trailer ki jitni tareef karo utni kam. Only good thing about this movie is that the trailer gives you a good laugh. Hadd chutiyaap. Everyone's spoofed,mocked about their dialogues and Hollywood imitations too much for me to repeat. I must say my favourite is Yo Yo Honey Singh staying true to his form when he says "iss duniya mein kapdon se zyada mard badalti ho".

4) Mastram

WARNING: This is MC-18 content.
DOUBLE WARNING: One of the worst story ideas every crafted. Or attempted. Or I don't know what to call this.

So women(most at least) aren't going to watch such movies because we our idea of attending to our emotions and hormones is watching Aisha with a tub of ice cream. As for men, well they'd find this amusing but pakka guarantee hai ki isey hall mein toh koi dekhega nahin. Jahan itne GB/TB porn download kar liya, wahin se yeh movie bhi download karke dekh lenge.

Funny irony( or coincidence) - Yo Yo Honey Singh's Achko Machko song, essentially a remix of a Gujju folk song has been used in this trailer. I don't have anything to say except 3 words - Dandiya Nights, Gujurat.

5) Kaanchi

This is one of those movies where the story concept is fundamentally good but poorly developed. High time Subhash Ghai realised that having your leading heroine's first name starting with M does not guarantee success. Not for your movie and neither for your actress. I thought he pretty much figured that out with Mahima Chaudhary. But I'm guessing he's suffering from Alzheimer's. While we are talking about his formula for "hit films", let's also pray he wakes up one day and realises that making a guest appearance in your own movies isn't helping his luck at all. If anything, it is just freaking the popcorn out of my popcorn combo meal.

Upar se Dance India Dance ki aadhi team (i.e. Jay Bhanushali & Mithun) iss film mein featured hai. Koi inse pooch lo yaar yeh movie serious movie hai ya dance kompuhteeshan.

Again, the dialogues are what makes this trailer so ridiculous.


Friday, April 18, 2014

Movie Review: 2 States

If you've read the novel, you'll agree that 2 States is one of Chetan Bhagat's best bed-time stories written for 18-year-olds & above ever. It's a love story that connected with quite a number of darkness-meets-fairness couples in India. Also led to the contribution of fair&lovely creams' sales and trolling jokes on punjabis/northindians & southindians/tamilians/whateveryourbreediscalled.

So usually, the global trend is that a movie based on a novel can never be as good as the novel because duh, you cannot produce a 567803 pages novel into a 3 hours movie, even if you make an epic trilogy out of it like LOTR. Imagine the troubles Sooraj Barjatya & Karan Johar would have if they were given a task of converting such novels into movies. They would've joined Ekta Kapoor League (EKL) by now. But then Sanjay Leela Bhansali's already in it aur ek jungle mein 3 gadhe nahin ho sakte.

But if it's a novel as thick as 100 pages like Chetan Bhagat's, trend says movie is going to be 100x better than the novel, unless we are talking about One Night at the Call Centre. The movie was 100x worse than the novel. Oh well, I guess that's one of the same things. To no hallelujahs then, 2 States as a movie was spectacular. It's definitely going to be one of my all-time favourite romantic hindi movies.

2 States is paced rightly, capturing the timeline of the leading protagonists' life from college to  being married perfectly. Abhishek Varman has directed the movie almost-perfectly (minor flaws i.e. too much dramatisation here & there). Alia Bhatt & Arjun Kapoor should be applauded for their acting or I wouldn't be surprised if they were playing themselves. Except neither of them would ever qualify intellectually so perhaps they were acting for some part. Their stylist should be given an award for making them look like college kids though at times I felt Arjun's wardrobe was still too cool for an IIT graduate doing his MBA from IIM, but I'm willing to overlook that simply because he's eyegasm for Indian women.

I love the music except for Iski Uski. Shahid Mallya's voice on Arjun Kapoor was as bad as Rabbi Sheirgill's voice on SRK in Jab Tak Hai Jaan i.e. Level Mismatched Frog Croaking. On top of that, the song's not catchy nor was it a visual treat. This is perhaps one of the most disappointing music I've heard from Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy trio. Amitabh Bhattacharya, what were you thinking penning down the lyrics for this? Was Siddhu sitting beside you? Were you watching a match? Was it KRK's influence? Was it? WAS it? WAS IT? THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW! INDIA NEEDS AN ANSWER!

Ronit Roy, in his guest appearance of a role, reprised his character from Udaan and gave it a delightful twist. Unlike in Udaan, his character in this movie lives in shades of grey and grows with the movie. Your faith in actors,humanity,beer,hotness,everything is restored when you watch him on screen. His on-screen wife played by Amrita Singh in the movie did an excellent job in portraying a typical Punjabi mom. You hate her in the movie not because her acting is irritating but her character makes you want to pull your hair strings in frustration.

Baaki sab toh sahi hai, but here's a couple of minor flaws:
1. Where Krish (Arjun) proposes Ananya(Alia). Too dramatic. We accept the singing and dancing drama but this was ridiculously chu-panti.
2. Without trying to give a spoiler, the thing Krish does when he has dinner with Ananya's family after Ananya's mother sings on-stage.
3. The counsellor in the movie was as redundant as Sonakshi Sinha's forehead in every movie she does.

Short mein kaho toh,
Hilarious,witty dialogues, Brilliant performances by leads & supporting cast,  Catchy music, Well-edited, Smartly directed & great cinematography.

My rating: 3.5/5 stars
It's definitely worth a watch in theatres! Especially if you're a south indian-north indian couple. Or any other mix couple. Or any couple. Anyone seriously.

P.S. - That awkward moment when you realise Amrita Singh is the same chick Saif Ali Khan was once married to while watching the movie. #wtfhappenedthere